“Fuck!” Dean yelled as he threw the book across the room.
“Hey, that’s Bobby’s book!” Sam yelled back at Dean.
“I don’t give a fuck. We have to fucking fuck and that fucking book just fucking said so,” Dean yelled even louder than Sam.
“It’s your fault we have to do this anyway,” Sam grumbled, then raised his voice to extremely effeminate levels to tease Dean. “Oh, Dean says we don’t have to worry about the curse. It has no power now that the witch is dead. Don’t worry, Sammy. Go ahead and touch that stupid fucking stick!” Sam finished with a growling yell, throwing his effeminate voice out the window.
“Fine. It’s my fault. I’m the idiot,” Dean said through clenched teeth. “But it’s done now, and we’ve got less than an hour to fuck, so get on the bed and let me fuck you,” Dean said as he gestured toward the bed in annoyance.
“Me? Why do I have to get fucked?” Sam nearly screeched.
“Well, I’m sure as hell not getting fucked. I’ve never had a dick in my ass like you have,” Dean said, as if it’s the most reasonable argument in the world.
“Newsflash. I’ve never had a dick in my ass either,” Sam said.
Dean started pacing the motel room. He hoped there weren’t many guests at the motel or someone would soon be complaining about the yelling.
Sam sighed. “We’ve gotta figure this out. And we have to do it fast,” Sam said.
Dean stopped pacing and pointed at Sam. “I’ve got it. Getting fucked in the ass hurts, right?”
Sam shrugged. “Well, I’ve heard it hurts the first time and if you don’t use lube or stretch your asshole, so I guess so.”
“So,” Dean drawled, “wouldn’t it be logical that a smaller dick would mean less pain?”
Sam frowned. “I suppose.”
Dean’s face brightened in triumph. “Then we compare dick sizes, and whoever’s biggest gets fucked.”
“That,” Sam said, his face scrunching up, “is, well, it’s oddly logical.”
“Of course it is!” Dean said as if Sam’s an idiot.
“But it’s gotta be a fair comparison, so we both have to be hard. None of this “oops, I guess I’m a grower and not a shower” shit,” Sam said as he unzipped his pants.
Dean turned his back to his brother and pulled his cock out, then started jerking it. He figured it was stupid to modest about it when they were about to fuck, but oh well.
“Get your ruler out, Francis,” Dean said as he tried to picture a hot chick so he could get hard. Thinking of his brother was not helping his dick at all.
“I don’t have a ruler, no matter how much you tease me about it,” Sam growled.
“So how are we going to be able to tell who’s bigger?” Dean asked, managing to get hard despite the situation.
“Ah, I suppose we’re going to have to hold them up next to each other and compare them,” Sam said, sounding a little breathless.
Dean let out a noise of disgust. “Fine. I suppose if it means I don’t get fucked, it’s worth rubbing my dick against my baby brother’s dick.”
Sam snorted. “Thanks.”
“Okay, let’s get this over with,” Dean said as he turned around, holding his dick in his right hand. He walked over to Sam, stood directly in front of him, and they slapped their dicks up against each other.
“See, your dick is fatter, I win,” Sam said with a grin.
“I never said anything about diameter,” Dean protested. “Your dick is longer, so I win.”
“No fucking way,” Sam said, his nostrils flaring.
“Yes, way. Length totally wins over diameter. Your dick’s going to go deeper, it’ll hurt more, so I get to fuck you,” Dean explained.
“I don’t think so, Dean,” Sam said. “The asshole stretching is the big deal, so yours being thicker means it’ll hurt more, so I win.”
“Dude, your dick is bigger than mine! The thicker thing is total bullshit!” Dean said as he shoved Sam’s shoulder.
“No, it’s not,” Sam said, pushing Dean back. “Walk up to any girl, ask her to imagine it was her first time, and ask her if she’d want a thick cock or a long cock, and she’s going to pick the long cock because thicker hurts more when you have to open the way through virgin territory.”
“It does not!” Dean yelled.
“Does too!” Sam yelled back.
“Your dick is bigger, bitch,” Dean said. “And you can argue all you want, but you’re getting fucked because yours is bigger, I win.”
“This is ridiculous. If two fat kids are standing next to each other, and one of them is fatter, which one are you going to say is bigger?” Sam asked, obviously thinking he’d had it all figured out with this perfect analogy.
“That’s stupid,” Dean said, waving Sam off. “If you want to go on the big kids ride at the amusement park and one kid is tall enough to get on and the other kid is too short, which kid do they say is big enough to go on the ride? Oh, right, the bigger one!”
Sam groans. “I can’t believe we’re talking about kids when we’re both standing here holding our dicks.”
A manic giggle forces its way out of Dean, which makes Sam laugh, and then the two of them are stuck with nervous laughter bubbling out of them.
“All right, all right, stop!” Dean yelled, trying hard not to laugh. “We have to figure this out somehow, and since you won’t admit that your dick’s bigger, we have to come up with something else.”
“Because your dick is bigger,” Sam mumbled.
“Shut up!” Dean growled.
“Rock, paper scissors,” Sam suggested with a raised eyebrow.
Dean considered it briefly. “Okay,” he said, nodding enthusiastically. He was so going to win this.