yes i’m hiding

cut for length

Friday morning I started having depression issues. I thought maybe it would get better with the whole gummy thing on Saturday night, but it only paused it for 24 hours.

They don’t normally do anything for my depression (schizophrenia doesn’t automatically include depression), but I thought maybe my psychosis was getting ready to flare and was causing some anxiety and depression, but since they didn’t work on the depression, I’m assuming I’m just in a shitty depression thing.

I’m being super emotional, which is really hard for me because I’m not normally a very emotional person – like tearing up at EVERYTHING. Music, of course, usually makes me emotional, but I’m talking TV commercials, stupid memes, etc.

I can’t find a reason for it, so I can’t do anything about it other than ride it out. And of course I always freak out wondering if this is my new “normal.”

As I’m writing this, things keep popping into my head. So I suppose I should’ve written it out sooner.

My dog isn’t doing well. I mean she’s been weird for like 3 years now. Dementia kind of a thing. She’s still in great shape physically (especially for a 16-year-old dog), but in the last six months it doesn’t even seem like she enjoys anything anymore and she’s doing things she’s never done before, like shitting in the house. A lot. So I’m thinking it’s time to put her down, but I hate when there’s not anything super wrong with a dog, ya know? Like am I just slightly inconvenienced by her, so I wanna get rid of her?! Is she just going through a rough patch? She’s a spoiled little thing with an attitude, so maybe she’s just acting out for a while and will stop soon? But yeah, this sucks.

And the other day Saul told me he’s thinking of moving out of state. He’s the only artist I requested be at my shop when we opened it, he’s done A LOT of my tattoos, and he’s always given me REALLY great advice for the shop – every piece of advice he’s given was right. He’s been in the business for 25+ years, so he knows what he’s talking about, and he’s the one that encouraged us to stop using managers because “you guys can do this on your own and better than they can!” Also I’m really close to him and I’m going to miss him a lot.

I’ve also been doing this thing for a few months now where I’m trying to “fix” my lack of empathy (I’ve got some compassion, but empathy never worked for me). I’m using a technique I kinda cobbled together from various papers on psychology and serial killers and psychopaths and sociopaths. I’ve written a long post about it and mentioned the post it to @buckybee because it’s interesting, but I’ve been hesitant to post it because… well, it makes me sound like a monster. But what’s new, eh? There’s plenty of things I see every day that point out how not!human I am.

Anyway, the results of this new technique I’m using means I’m either faking empathy enough to think it’s real or I’m actually developing empathy, and it fucking sucks and I wish I hadn’t done it because HOLY FUCK THIS HURTS! I dunno how you people stand it. And now that I’ve done it, I can’t seem to make it stop! Do you have any idea what it’s like developing empathy after never having it before?!

So yeah I guess I’ve got some reasons to be depressed. But there’s good stuff too. New guy at the shop is working out great and he’s a really good artist. My mom’s seizures are doing AWESOME with the second med they added a few weeks ago. The shop is doing great! I’m getting things organized at home and at the shop like never before. Lots of cool stuff.

But I just want to faceplant on my bed and stare at the wall. And I’m hiding 😛

i’ve been hiding

I hide from social media when I’m super depressed. I get really bitter, and I don’t feel like shoving that in everyone’s faces, so I stay away even though fandom makes me feel better and so do fandom friends.

I know pretty much everybody else on here vents and dumps all their personal shit, depression, and crying when they feel shitty (and I don’t have a problem with that – yes double standards, I can’t do what other people do, blah blah), but I don’t wanna do that. I’ll complain about shit, but once it goes over the border into really fucking depressed and wishing I would just cease to exist, I hide.

While I’m hiding, @spncoldesthits and @spnpolybingo suffer, and I’m sorry. I’m trying to get shit done in the background, but as soon as I come online to take care of those things, more things need to be done, and it’s difficult when my family is… sucking the life out of me.

So instead of whining about how depressed I am, here’s some of the most recent shit that’s been happening in my life. Enjoy 😀

(cast of characters if you’re wondering who I’m talking about)

  • POS/cash register & inventory system: worked on it for months, am paying $550 a month for it, and it sucks, so I’ve started switching to an open source/free system I wasn’t confident enough in myself to use before
  • follow-up mammogram after they saw something two weeks ago – turns out the idiot did it wrong, there was nothing ever wrong, and I was worried for nothing because the chick didn’t know how to do a mammogram on really big tits
  • Marissa (my uncle’s wife) is in one of her pissy moods lately. Charlie (her husband) is being a dick about the kids, doesn’t want to help at all even though they’re HIS grandchildren and threw a temper tantrum when a project that he knew about for ONE MONTH came due and he had to hurry and help the 11yo get it done the night before it was due. He started crying (my uncle) and said “doesn’t the school realize how busy I am?!” like the school should give a shit about his personal issues when my uncle was the one who dropped the ball. Anyway, Marissa is now 40 years old and raising her step-daughter’s children, so I don’t blame her for being pissed, but she hasn’t been helping me at the shop since the kids came and in the last few weeks it’s been super busy. She came in yesterday and today and didn’t leave her personal problems at home, so she’s being shitty to customers and to the guys, so I’m sending her home. Thanks for NOT-helping. Ugh.
  • My stalker aunt is FINALLY OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!!!! I can’t tell you how excited I am about this. She’s been gone for three days now and the creep factor in the house is GONE. I had to take her to an appointment yesterday early morning before I went to the shop and she sat in the back seat and SHE FUCKING STROKED MY HAIR AND TOUCHED MY SHOULDERS as I was driving. Yeah. I felt like taking a shower after that. She kept saying “your hair’s so soft.” Ugh.
  • My mom has chilled a little. I think her sister being in the house and in her bedroom was getting to her, but she’s still being snippy with me. I don’t know if she needs some time to unwind after her sister being gone, but I hope she snaps out of it soon.
  • Mom’s friend is staying here for the next four days. This is the one that comes every other month and is a really good houseguest, but damn, we’ve only just gotten my aunt out and I’m tired of people in my house.
  • The 1yo is showing anger and behavioral issues the first 24-48 hours after visiting her parents. I didn’t realize this was happening, but yup, she’s having abandonment and separation issues. She’s expressing her feelings the only way she knows how – by growling, holding her breath until she turns red, and growl/screaming. My uncle’s reaction to this? He yells at her. Again, I didn’t realize this was going on, and I’m… I don’t know what to do about this and it’s really upsetting me. This poor kid misses her parents and she’s getting yelled at for having feelings about it. My family hasn’t told my cousin about this and my family still feels that the kids should be here instead of with their parents because “their standard of living isn’t up to par.” Well fuck you. It’s THEIR kids and they get to decide how the kids live, not you. Give them the fuck back. In the meantime EVERY FUCKING PERSON in the family including the kids are hurting over this.
  • The 11yo is, as per usual, not turning in homework, not doing homework, and doing the whole personal space violation with all the kids at school. My family always insists he doesn’t do this when he’s with us and he only does it when he’s with his parents because his parents “neglect” him. But hey look he’s STILL doing these things. Perhaps he just does this? Huh, I think so! And perhaps my family should be a little less critical of AC and husband’s parenting? That’s not gonna happen. They still think the kids should be taken away from them, and it’s bordering on racism at this point because they all talk like the kids shouldn’t have to live “the ghetto life” when that’s what AC and husband chose.
  • It’s been SUPER FUCKING BUSY at the shop. Always is when tax season comes around until the end of summer. But because my family is busy taking care of the kids and AC, nobody can help me, and as I mentioned above, Marissa is having attitude issues, so I have no help. Friday and Saturday Evan and Allison (his piercing apprentice) noticed I was overloaded with customers, so they came out front and took all the customers who were paying cash. They wrote invoices, and when I had time in between customers, I entered it into the computer. It was a huge help and I was so exhausted I completely forgot to tip them for it. I thanked them both, and I kinda did give Evan a tip in the form of some supplies he needed, so I guess I did tip him 🙂
  • The construction at the shop is going SUPER SLOW, and again it’s because of the kids. I can’t tell you how sick of this I’m getting. My way of bringing money in for this family to live on is suffering, and I’m in a position to overtake two of the biggest online competitors and three brick & mortar competitors in the state, and yet I’m being held back by my family, who all said they’d help and who directly benefit from the money I bring in.
  • Ryan is having girlfriend issues. They have issues all the time, but I’m his confidant, his counselor, and the one he trusts to give him advice, so over the last few weeks he’s venting and dumping on me on a daily basis, and even though I do it to keep employees happy and giving me money and keep a good atmosphere in the shop, it still weighs me down, and right now I’m feeling so shitty that by the time I leave the shop at night, I feel like crawling to the truck and I wonder if I’m leaving a slime trail behind.
  • Lee moved out two days ago, Alexis moved in yesterday, and today I fired her. Yup, she skimmed $100 on HER FIRST TATTOO. People never imagine I’m going to check up on them or listen in, and I heard her tell the customer how much the tattoo would be, heard the customer confirm it after the tattoo was done, and then SURPRISE the amount on the paperwork was $100 short, so she’s moving her stuff out right now. That means I have to find somebody else to fill the room, more interviews, and more trying out people that disrupt the everyday shop dynamic.

Okay, I’ll stop whining now. If you got this far, thanks for reading 🙂

lesson learned: people don’t like it when i have emotions

Because of the mental issues, I have a rather flat affect (it’s a very well-known thing with schizophrenia). I have no anger issues, I don’t blow up at anyone, and I’m pretty unflappable.

However, I’ve recently learned that, even though all my life my family has whined about the lack of emotions and passion for things and the like, they don’t actually want it in reality.

I’m not the squeaky wheel. I don’t cry easily, and I very rarely do it in front of people. I don’t yell at people. I avoid confrontation. Not that I don’t have an opinion, and not that I keep everything to myself, but it’s just rare that I let down my walls so people can see some of the shit I’m thinking and feeling, especially when it’s super negative. Seriously, nobody but very close family even knew I was schizophrenic until I was in my 20s and started telling people.

Since AC’s kids have been with us, I’ve not been doing well. I wasn’t doing so well to begin with because my mom and aunt were living in my home office and using my bathroom when they’re not very clean people, but then with AC and husband just dropping any and all responsibilities (not that they took much responsibility to begin with) and my family totally enabling them while we all have to suffer for it, I’ve gone even deeper into bitterness, depression, and have had issues with my psychosis because I’m letting it get to me.

I didn’t work as hard at keeping it to myself, and over the past few weeks I let it show more and more. I still remain civil. I don’t start shit, but there’s no question I’m not happy about things.

Apparently, even though the family has complained my whole life about how I put up walls and “hey you’d be a really good actor because you never tell us what’s really going on with you or show it,” they never did want to see it.

My mom has gone off on me twice in the last two weeks about how I’m being way too bitter and upset over this whole thing.

I think ANYONE else in my situation would be a whole fuck-ton more bitter and would probably refuse to do a lot of the shit I’m doing, and would be telling everybody to fuck off.

So after the second time my mom went off on me, I put all the walls back up and added a few more for good measure.

The result? They’re all happy again. They think I’m totally fine and that everything’s okay and isn’t life grand. They’re still annoyed by what AC and husband do, but that’s a neverending thing. AC and husband will be a pain in everyone’s asses until the day they die. Maybe even after. I have absolutely no hope of them being anything else and my family ever doing something about it.

So lesson learned. Nobody likes it when I show emotion. They like the actor living with them, and all those times they tried to pull me out and encourage me to drop down walls around them turned out to be a “wait, not like that” type of thing.

And since it means they’re not pissy with me and mom’s isn’t going off on me anymore, it’s less stress for me. Sure I’m doing even more than I was before and the resentment and bitterness is probably going to build into a ball of rage that is going to get released one of these days, but it’s all worth it as long as everybody else is happy, amiright?!

a lot of times i’m not serious on tumblr and i try to keep things light and silly, but here’s one of those times when i’m bitter, serious, and really fucking frustrated – enjoy 🙂

and now i’m most likely going to spam your dash with a bunch of stupid shit to distract you from this post because that’s how i roll

recent stuff and things (me whining)

  • twisted my knee (worse than I ever have before) at the
    shop yesterday and am having trouble walking, trouble going from sitting
    to standing, and I keep re-tweaking it when I turn while walking
  • mom came to the shop yesterday to help out, which was awesome
  • aunt fell while taking off her socks (in a really stupid way while medicated and dizzy)
  • dad let three of my aunt’s “friends” into the house
    while mom and I weren’t there and freaked my aunt out (she’s staying
    here because she’s not doing well mentally, is on an 8-week course of a
    lot of meds to “fix” her, and doesn’t want anybody but us around)
  • the 1yo has started crying really hard
    every time she sees that we’re driving down the street where the
    babysitter lives and it’s freaking my family out (I think it’s because
    we spoil her to death and at the sitter’s she doesn’t get her way 100%
    of the time because there’s 4 other toddlers but my family is already
    thinking the crying is for horrible reasons and I’m scared they’re gonna
    fire the babysitter who is really awesome)
  • been getting a shit-ton of anon hate
    here and on AO3 (it’s not really bothering me because it’s so stupid
    I’m actually laughing at the stupid shit they’re coming up with, but
    it’s still annoying because my email notifications are going nuts)
  • I’m having a weird allergic reaction
    to something, but I’m not sure what it is so I can’t fix it. My eyes
    (especially the right one) is bloodshot, they’re itchy, and it looks
    gross enough that I’m worried about grossing out customers at the shop
    – any kind of health issues and tattoo artists get concerned because
    they could pass that on to their customers, but this is allergies, not
    infection or anything contagious
  • Lee, who has been phoning it in
    and giving me about half the amount of money he’s supposed to for about
    six months now because of his “family issues,” finally decided to put
    some effort into it, hit his cut for the month (he pays a percentage of
    each job until he reaches a certain amount and then he gets 100% of the
    money) on the 12th of the month, and scheduled a shit-ton of
    appointments up until last night. That’s a really shitty thing to do
    because, if he continues this pattern, technically he’s screwing me out
    of $4500 every 6 months. And it’s not the first time he’s done this.
  • I’ve been super depressed
    for a few weeks now, and it doesn’t seem to be getting better. Instead
    of leaving me alone or being nice about it, the family is telling me how
    bitter and negative I’ve been. Which basically means I’m not smiling
    and happy-go-lucky as I’m doing all this shit for them like I normally
  • my mom had her bathroom redone, spent a lot of money
    on it, and it’s hideous. She likes it, but holy shit this is… I don’t
    like it at all, it doesn’t fit the rest of the house (which makes
    selling the house harder in the future), and it’s a “busy” pattern,
    which means every time she has a seizure, she’s going to be all spastic
    as she’s walking over the tile – increasing risk of falls.
  • dad offered to watch my dog yesterday
    and when I got home informed me he had done a really good job and took
    her out a whole ONE time at 1pm (it was 9pm by the time I got home) and
    she’s been having diarrhea issues lately, so “she been really fussy for
    like the last 1-½ hours” meant my dog was shitting herself and my
    carpet and her blankets and pillows while my dad fucked off and watched
    TV in another room. My dog REALLY hates peeing/pooping in the house, so
    she had to have been really desperate to have done this.
  • AC and husband
    aren’t returning our calls or texts, we’ve had the kids for over a
    month, they aren’t helping out by paying for diapers, food, clothing,
    babysitting, etc., and yet they’re still getting food stamps, government
    money, government cell phones, and they’re about to get their $5000 in
    tax returns even though neither of them has worked for over two years,
    and I’m pretty sure they’re gonna blow the whole thing on stupid shit
    instead of finding a place to live and taking their kids back.
  • AC laughed
    a couple weeks ago as she told me about how she hasn’t been able to
    find the time to get her depo shot and is overdue for it, so I’m
    assuming there’s going to be a third kid now. It’s never going to end.
  • I’m sleeping WAAAAAY too much
    because of the depression, so I’m not getting things done I need to do,
    and when I’m awake to do them, I’m too depressed to have any motivation
    to do them. Ugh.
  • mom and aunt are still living on my couch

sure there’s more, but that’s more than enough whining outta me. I use
fandom for a distraction and to feel better, so I’ll stop whining now
and immerse myself in silly stuff in between taking care of customers.

If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading <3

endellionaeternus: mayalaen: endellionaeternus: mayalaen: @endellionaeternus Haven’t seen you around in a while and your submit box isn’t open, so I’m going to @ you instead <3 Hey, Maya 🙂 aw I hadn’t thought anyone would notice my absence! This year has been hectic both good and bad. Got my Associates degree and a new bearded …