cut for length
Friday morning I started having depression issues. I thought maybe it would get better with the whole gummy thing on Saturday night, but it only paused it for 24 hours.
They don’t normally do anything for my depression (schizophrenia doesn’t automatically include depression), but I thought maybe my psychosis was getting ready to flare and was causing some anxiety and depression, but since they didn’t work on the depression, I’m assuming I’m just in a shitty depression thing.
I’m being super emotional, which is really hard for me because I’m not normally a very emotional person – like tearing up at EVERYTHING. Music, of course, usually makes me emotional, but I’m talking TV commercials, stupid memes, etc.
I can’t find a reason for it, so I can’t do anything about it other than ride it out. And of course I always freak out wondering if this is my new “normal.”
As I’m writing this, things keep popping into my head. So I suppose I should’ve written it out sooner.
My dog isn’t doing well. I mean she’s been weird for like 3 years now. Dementia kind of a thing. She’s still in great shape physically (especially for a 16-year-old dog), but in the last six months it doesn’t even seem like she enjoys anything anymore and she’s doing things she’s never done before, like shitting in the house. A lot. So I’m thinking it’s time to put her down, but I hate when there’s not anything super wrong with a dog, ya know? Like am I just slightly inconvenienced by her, so I wanna get rid of her?! Is she just going through a rough patch? She’s a spoiled little thing with an attitude, so maybe she’s just acting out for a while and will stop soon? But yeah, this sucks.
And the other day Saul told me he’s thinking of moving out of state. He’s the only artist I requested be at my shop when we opened it, he’s done A LOT of my tattoos, and he’s always given me REALLY great advice for the shop – every piece of advice he’s given was right. He’s been in the business for 25+ years, so he knows what he’s talking about, and he’s the one that encouraged us to stop using managers because “you guys can do this on your own and better than they can!” Also I’m really close to him and I’m going to miss him a lot.
I’ve also been doing this thing for a few months now where I’m trying to “fix” my lack of empathy (I’ve got some compassion, but empathy never worked for me). I’m using a technique I kinda cobbled together from various papers on psychology and serial killers and psychopaths and sociopaths. I’ve written a long post about it and mentioned the post it to @buckybee because it’s interesting, but I’ve been hesitant to post it because… well, it makes me sound like a monster. But what’s new, eh? There’s plenty of things I see every day that point out how not!human I am.
Anyway, the results of this new technique I’m using means I’m either faking empathy enough to think it’s real or I’m actually developing empathy, and it fucking sucks and I wish I hadn’t done it because HOLY FUCK THIS HURTS! I dunno how you people stand it. And now that I’ve done it, I can’t seem to make it stop! Do you have any idea what it’s like developing empathy after never having it before?!
So yeah I guess I’ve got some reasons to be depressed. But there’s good stuff too. New guy at the shop is working out great and he’s a really good artist. My mom’s seizures are doing AWESOME with the second med they added a few weeks ago. The shop is doing great! I’m getting things organized at home and at the shop like never before. Lots of cool stuff.
But I just want to faceplant on my bed and stare at the wall. And I’m hiding 😛