What is Aromantic?

writergamermom:

“So I understand that aromantic means you do not experience romantic attraction. I guess I am unclear on what romantic attraction is. Like I have heard people say they are aromantic because they don’t like valentines day, hand holding or hallmark style cheesy romance. Okay, but that fits tons of people I know.

I also don’t get romantic coding. I went on three dates with a guy before I knew we were dating! People point out subtext and am like, I literately did that for my best friend last week.

Like what is the difference between a romantic person who is in a long term committed relationship and an aromantic person who is in a long term committed monogamous sexual relationship? I get that aromantic is a spectrum and that one answer is not that same for all, I am just trying to understand here. None of my family or friends have told me they are aromantic. TBH most of my understanding on the subject came from @soupernabturel‘s fantastic The Stag and the Hunters Son.

So I read this article on cosmo interviewing three people who identified as aromantic. They didn’t ask the questions I wanted to know like “Do you have strong relationships with people,” “Do you love your best friend,” etc. But the answers these people gave really confused my limited understanding of aromantic. (this is long so I put a cut in for those who want to keep scrolling)

Keep reading

I already commented that the quoted parts sound like sociopaths claiming to be aromantic, but I wanted to also explain how I feel with relationships.

cut for length

Basically I want a best friend who also wants to have sex with me. That is my ideal relationship.

I also think it might be cool to have a triad where one person is overly romantic so they can take care of the romantic needs of the third person, but all three of us really care about each other and enjoy being with each other.

I’ll perform a lot of romantic gestures if I’m in a relationship with someone who needs/wants it. I don’t want it returned, but when I’m in a relationship, I care about the person and their needs.

For instance, I don’t like snuggling and talking after sex. I want to roll over and sleep. But I’ve been with a few VERY romantic people, and I let them snuggle with me and talk and I try to engage with them as much as possible. I hate romantic dinners and walking hand-in-hand, but if my partner wants it, I’ll do it for them.

The problem comes when people think they can handle a relationship where *I* don’t want that stuff returned.

There was a guy who knew full well I was aromantic, yet he insisted on writing love songs and singing them right to me. Romantic people would go nuts for that but I was extremely uncomfortable, and yet I would’ve written and performed a song for him if that was something he really wanted.

I liken my personal feelings to that of a gray ace, because while they don’t have sexual attraction, some of them don’t mind the sex. I don’t want the romance, but I’ll do it to/for someone else because I care about them.

I’m terrible at subtext and romantic coding myself. Someone has to be REALLY blunt for me to get that they want me. I don’t identify with romantic songs or movies.

Having said all that, being aromantic doesn’t mean being a dick. I care about people. I care about their feelings. I’m not just using people. And I’m noticing a disturbing trend for people who are assholes or even flat out abusive to grab onto the aromantic label and use is as an excuse.

Also, aro is a personal thing. I’ve talked with many aros and we all have different views on things we like/don’t like, will do/won’t do, and how we define our aromanticism.

I didn’t realize I was aro until my early 30s, and the guy I was with at the time was totally smothering me with his over-the-top romantics. It was awful, and for him it was just how expressed his love. I stumbled upon an explanation of aromantics and knew I’d found what was causing problems in all my previous relationships.

Being aromantic makes being with romos hard. And a lot of guys, in particular, think they’re going to love being with an aro girl. A lot of sex, no strings, no romance? YES, they think! And then they get pissed when it doesn’t turn into more.

I’ve experienced that more times than I can count.

But I’m rambling, so I’ll stop now 🙂

unforth-ninawaters:

You know, the more I learn about the term queer through Tumblr discourse, the more I approve of it as a label. I used to be more on the “it’s a slur” end of things but these days…I’m considering using it for myself…

Perhaps it’s my age and the influence of my parents (very open-minded and mom is bisexual who grew up in the 60s and 70s with “free love”), but queer was never a slur for me or the other LGBTQA people around me growing up.

Kids in school didn’t use it as a slur and instead used other words to describe queer people – words that still bother me and I don’t associate with anything other than insults.

I know there are people who can’t see it as anything but a slur. I’m also fully aware that no single term is ever going to be 100% accepted by all parties.

Growing up queer as a label was something to be proud of, and I was upset when I saw more and more people being offended by it and associating it with something bad.

There are already way too many words that have negative connotations. We need less bad and more good 🙂

smightymcsmighterton:

mayalaen:

smightymcsmighterton:

smightymcsmighterton:

ok fic writers two things

1) in a kink scene the lower back will most likely be unmarked. why you ask? because that’s a danger zone: hit hard enough and you fuck up a kidney. SO please don’t write that there are marks on the lower back when there shouldn’t be

2) in a D/s relationship the happiness of both parties is part of the relationship. They both derive happiness out of the relationship. Don’t write something like ‘i’m dominant but i care about your happiness too’ because that makes no bloody sense. the relationship isn’t just about the dominant being happy. the submissive is happy serving the dominant. being dominant doesn’t mean the dominant has no interest in the submissive’s happiness

I’m gonna bring this back and mention some dtypes (and dtype adjacent people…ok only two of you) but opinions ? maybe yes no 

@mayalaen @olor-et-luna

I don’t know. this just annoyed me

IMNSHO people are gonna do and like what they wanna do and like. They wanna read and write shitty BDSM, they’ll read it and write it.

But anybody who has engaged in it (if they actually learn from someone and put some work into it, educate themselves) is going to learn real quick that it’s not fiction and you can do major damage.

Cut for length (I’m blathering on and I have strong opinions on shit like this because I’ve seen people hurt by shit like this and I get a little protective rawr)

Keep reading

yea. I guess I’m just worried about the people who assume people have research/experience and take fic as gospel. I /hope/ people don’t but you know, seeing shit like that makes me cringe. 

I was VERY worried about this when 50 Shades came out. I thought about all the teenage girls who would read it and let their boyfriends do whatever the fuck they wanted and romanticize it.

Cute for more blathering (I really have opinions)

I was worried about Twilight. I was worried about fucking Romeo and Juliet.

But if someone can’t learn the difference between fantasy and reality, they’re going to get hurt a lot in life. I’m sorry, but it’s true. If someone wants to think playing a Sim Surgery means they can operate on somebody, they’re wrong and they’re going to hurt somebody. We don’t have control over that, as upsetting as it may be.

It’s the same reason people freaking over triggers and tags freak me out. If you’re sheltering yourself from everything, including knowledge, how are you going to learn what anything is? How are you going to educate yourself and grow? You’re not. You’re going to be naive and vulnerable.

When I was a very young kid, I started dabbling in BDSM, and I didn’t even realize what it was at first. When I was a teenager I started reading fake BDSM from writers who hadn’t been in the life. From even the small amount of experience I had as a kid and teenager, I recognized after a while that something was wrong with those fics and I gravitated toward the “real” BDSM fic.

Thankfully I didn’t try out any of the stuff I read about, but there’s accountability here. I take responsibility for my actions, and if I’m going to do something like that to somebody, I feel a NEED to know how to do it correctly. And I also fully believe that a dom/domme should never use or do something to a sub without having experienced it first.

In a perfect world people wouldn’t try things after having read a cool book or watched a cheesy porn.

If somebody wants to keep themselves save and do it right, they need to get info from more than one source and they need to use their head and work at it. No way around it or people get hurt.

smightymcsmighterton:

smightymcsmighterton:

ok fic writers two things

1) in a kink scene the lower back will most likely be unmarked. why you ask? because that’s a danger zone: hit hard enough and you fuck up a kidney. SO please don’t write that there are marks on the lower back when there shouldn’t be

2) in a D/s relationship the happiness of both parties is part of the relationship. They both derive happiness out of the relationship. Don’t write something like ‘i’m dominant but i care about your happiness too’ because that makes no bloody sense. the relationship isn’t just about the dominant being happy. the submissive is happy serving the dominant. being dominant doesn’t mean the dominant has no interest in the submissive’s happiness

I’m gonna bring this back and mention some dtypes (and dtype adjacent people…ok only two of you) but opinions ? maybe yes no 

@mayalaen @olor-et-luna

I don’t know. this just annoyed me

IMNSHO people are gonna do and like what they wanna do and like. They wanna read and write shitty BDSM, they’ll read it and write it.

But anybody who has engaged in it (if they actually learn from someone and put some work into it, educate themselves) is going to learn real quick that it’s not fiction and you can do major damage.

Cut for length (I’m blathering on and I have strong opinions on shit like this because I’ve seen people hurt by shit like this and I get a little protective rawr)

I cringe every time I read about a cane being used full force on the crease between buttock and leg. You probably already know this, but I’m making a point so hold ya horses 😉

There are TONS of nerves right there between the buttock and leg, and you can do damage by hitting there full force with a cane. How many fics have I read that in? TONS. How many of those writers have been in the lifestyle? Most likely none.

It’s fairly easy for me to see when I’m reading something whether a person has been in the lifestyle or even just done their research, asked around, and maybe watched some videos compared to somebody who just wanted to write a BDSM fic. And if somebody wants to do that, that’s their prerogative, but I’m not going to read it and go “ooh that was awesome” and rec it to all my friends. There are some “bad” BDSM fics I like, but it’s just because I like the fic and I like darkfic, not because I read it and said “that’s a healthy relationship.”

Real life
≠ fiction, and an alarming amount of people will look at fiction and claim it’s damaging for this or that when it’s FICTION. Those same people are probably the ones who go and try out a cane or paddle on somebody after reading fic or watching 50 Shades.

They’re going to hurt someone or get hurt themselves.

And when it comes to D/s relationships of any sort, yes, I totally agree the key is a symbiotic relationship. A dom can’t dom anyone if there isn’t a sub and vice versa. They BOTH get something out of it, and if only one is getting something out of it, something’s wrong.

Doesn’t matter what they do together, and it might look like abuse to an outsider, but if a person is coming home with bruises and a smile on their face because it was exactly what they wanted, that’s not abuse. If they’re coming home clean as a whistle but dejected and they got nothing about of it, that’s not right and it’s NOT symbiotic.

D/s can be a beautiful thing, but it can also get royally fucked, especially by people who read 50 Shades or shitty BDSM fic or watch a cheesy porn and think that’s how it goes.

EDIT: I have also written bad BDSM just because I wanted to.

So uh…

arkanik7th:

Something I absolutely LOVE: ‘Unlikely/unexpected doms’. (Not sure if that’s the right way of putting it but hear me out…) I don’t really know WHY, but I just love the idea of someone who doesn’t SEEM like a dom turning out to be one. Dominant characters who look just like you expect are awesome and all (the standard ‘goddess’ type), but there’s just something about the ones who come out of nowhere, you know? Like petite characters, maybe who look like anime idol-types, dressed in frilly clothes with singsong voices… Who smile sweetly while they step on you and GIGGLE as they tease you with cute-looking toys. Larger, shy girls who wear glasses and baggy sweaters to hide their figure and speak quietly… Who slip into their custom-sized corset and cackle as they swing their whip and tell you how much pain you’ll have to take for the HONOR of touching them. The greatly put-upon doormat maid with an obnoxious employer… Whom they make tremble and swallow nervously with the words ‘Young master has been getting a little big for his britches lately.’ And when ‘young master’ goes to bed down for the night, there happens to be a collar and a blindfold laying neatly on their pillow. Big, muscular, amazonian women who love to display their strength… And yours too, as they mix weight training with your sexual submission lessons, forcing you to EARN the right to kiss their bodies. (ZARYAZARYAZARYAZARYA *cough* sorry) Feminine boys who dress like cute girls and are unashamed of their girlishness… Especially as they hold their foot out for you to kiss while they smile and whisper to you about how good you must feel for submitting to them.

I just… I REALLY love that kind of thing, you know? Maybe because… you know… ANYONE can be a dom, right? ^_^;

YES! I hope you don’t mind me reblogging this, but I needed it on my blog too because I love this! In fic, movies, TV, and in real life!

Being a switch myself, there have been a few times I’ve melted when I realized someone was a dom/domme because they didn’t seem like it then… just something… something they did or say just hit me and… Yeah, I just melted.

In fact there’s someone on Tumblr that did this to me 😀