I’ve had mild gender issues my whole life, and it kind scares me, so I don’t look too deeply into stuff about how people feel because, yeah, scary. I wrote a fic about Dean always feeling like she was a girl, and a lot of the smaller feelings and such in that fic were my own feelings about myself, only I’m female so I had to switch it around. Sorry you’re feeling all these things and having a hard time sorting it out. *hugs*
*hugs* Scary is definitely the word I would use to describe it. And I’m sorry you’ve had issues with your gender, too. It’s kinda difficult to wrap my brain around ‘cause it’s like, I didn’t realize it was a thing that wasn’t “typical” if you know what I mean. I just needed to get it all out there in the open and talk about it because I can’t really do that anywhere else. I dunno where I’ll go from here, but at least it’s out there and I’m not holding it in anymore.
YES EXACTLY! I always thought everybody dealt with those issues! I thought it was part of growing up and you just grew into whatever you were gonna be or maybe at some point I’d settle in and be happy with the outer shell.
cut because I get long-winded
I always felt more male than female as a kid/teenager, and it wasn’t until I had my 3rd (or possibly 4th) psychotic episode at 25 that I stopped feeling it so strongly, but I still… don’t feel… I can’t even explain it.
But basically if someone gave me the option of switching genders with absolutely no side effects, no medication to take, no surgery, and everything would be fully functional, I wouldn’t even have to think about it. I’d do it in a heartbeat, and that makes me wonder if the only reason I don’t look into it further or do anything about it is because I’m a bit of a snob when it comes to myself and what I’ll let myself have. Or maybe I’m lazy? I don’t know.
But the body I have leaves no room for doubt when it comes to what gender I am, and trying to change that without major intervention just… I’m tired. Ya know? Life is hard and that sounds hard and painful and expensive and…
And it makes me appreciate trans individuals even more because it’s like… they wanted it bad enough. They’re willing to do what it takes. They’re brave.
But then I wonder if maybe I haven’t done more about it because deep down inside I am totally okay with being a woman.
Needless to say, the whole thing is scary and I don’t like to examine it too closely, because every time I’ve gotten close, I find myself identifying with what’s being said and then I step back and like NOPE!! SCARY!
I think I’ve found a nice happy medium. I’m not a girly girl. I wear more manly clothing than I do girly. Don’t wear make-up or jewelry beyond body jewelry. In relationships I definitely wear the metaphorical pants, I *get* (as in understand) men more than I do women, and… maybe that’s as far as I’ll ever go.
Maybe what I have isn’t dysphoria at all. Maybe I’m just curious or don’t like the limitations of being a woman. Maybe I’m an asshole 😉
and holy shit don’t think I’m not terrified that a trans individual might reblog this with a big old long text about how they feel and I’ll totally identify with it and start questioning things all over again