a conversation they’ll find on my phone later

These are texts between me, my uncle, his wife, and his sister. I was ranting after my dad was an asshole (yet again) this morning after my mom had a seizure.

me: other people’s fathers die in their 40s and 50s, but mine just won’t quit

–and then i proceed to rant about the shit he pulled this morning, but i’ll spare you the lengthy rant 😀

me: if anything happens to dad, they’ll find this conversation in my phone and throw me in a dungeon and toss away the key. they can’t find Masshole, but they can sure as hell find the schizophrenic when her father is found bludgeoned to death

uncle’s wife: haha, you goof, we’ll get you out, love you <3

aunt: i’ll be a character witness for you

me: oh, great, the alcoholic and the bipolar are gonna testify for the schizophrenic who totally didn’t bludgeon her father

uncle’s wife: hey, i’m sober right now and i’d be sober for your court dates too

aunt: as long as they don’t ask me stupid questions i can appear perfectly normal

uncle: we know people. don’t worry.

me: dork! you make it sound like we’re in the mob!

uncle: no, but certain people buy things from us and REALLY like us for some reason

me: don’t reassure me too much or i’ll have no reason not to 😛

uncle’s wife: we’re already coming up with a good alibi for you