i had such a bad anxiety attack today i put my body into shock



Haven’t had one that bad in a while.

My reaction to stress is to shut down. Got that from my mom’s side of the family. Scares the shit outta docs because we get super cold and our blood pressure and heart rate drops, so if we’re in an accident, they can’t give us pain meds and we shake real bad.

Anyway, I shut down, but was able to drive myself home. Once I got home, I was sweating really bad, which I thought was odd because usually I’m cold with anxiety attacks. So I stripped down to just this light long T-shirt, sat down, and worked on chilling out.

Half an hour later I got SO cold that I couldn’t get warm. I put on sweat pants, a sweater, two pairs of socks, a hoodie, and I got under my warmest blanket and cocooned myself in front of the TV.

My mom came in, saw me, and thought I was coming down with the flu or something, but when I explained I’d had an anxiety attack she was like oh that explains it.

It took me 3 hours to start warming up, shivering the whole time.

Like I say, I haven’t had one that bad in a long time :

Yesterday hit me a little harder than I thought. (Yes, I know I’m the dork who thought sending my body into shock was something I could just shake off)

I had a psych doc appointment this morning and Marissa covered the shop until I was done with the appointment. My psych doc stresses me out because she’s intense, so I was shaky again by the time I got to the shop.

Then I’m just sweating all day long. Like sweating so much Evan laughed at how red and wet my face was.

It wasn’t until 45 minutes before closing I realized Marissa had turned the heat up to 80 FUCKING DEGREES. But it wasn’t just today she did it.

Have you ever heard that thing about frogs? How if you put them in room temperature water, you can continue to turn up the heat slowly and they’ll literally sit there and let themselves be cooked? I’m a frog. If shit’s happening, I just ignore it and keep going, so I never thought to check the thermostats.

So for the last TWO WEEKS now I’ve been sweating like crazy all day at the shop (wondering how cold it needed to be outside for it to finally cool off inside) while the heater has been blasting at 80 degrees.

Don’t ask me why everyone at the shop whined when the air conditioner broke this summer and it got up to like 82 or something. Apparently when THEY want it to be 80 degrees, they’re fine with it while I foot the bill but heaven forbid it’s 82 degrees and they didn’t ask for it. And dorky me just figures I’m having hormone or anxiety issues and drenched in sweat all day.

So that pissed me off pretty bad and made me even more shaky. And with the whole anxiety attack yesterday, it kicked up my hallucinations, which are still worse than normal. It’s not bothering me. I just know that if I’m not careful, I’ll push myself into a flat out psychotic episode.

After I close the shop tomorrow, I’m going to take an extra large dose of gummies to see if I can fix my brain. I really don’t like taking gummies two days in a row because I’m wasted for 48 hours and I’ve got stuff to do, but I might have to in order to avoid a psychotic episode if the one night doesn’t do the trick (sometimes when I have an issue like extra stress or bad situations, one night isn’t enough).


Great so I keep smelling a diaper. Not dirty, just that diaper smell.

I think that means I’m overtired, my body is complaining with olfactory hallucinations, and I need to go to bed.

Or I’m having a stroke 😛


*phone rings in thing I’m watching*

me: *checks phone*

I love stuff like this because it’s just so automatic for most people to believe their ears.

My family and I were at a restaurant one day and this super creepy voice starts saying “I can seeeee you” really slowly and all whispery-like. I dismissed it because I figured it was a hallucination, but I look up and my entire family looks super spooked.

“I take it that was real?” I asked, chuckling.

Finally they realized it was somebody’s ringtone because it kept going, but it really made me realize how much people who don’t hallucinate don’t question what they hear and automatically assume it’s real, like you with checking your phone.

I don’t even check my phone when it’s actually going off unless I see the screen light up (because I can trust my eyes a little more than my ears), but my whole family does the same thing you do when they hear a phone 😀

It also cracked me up how long after realizing what it really was that my family was still spooked. They’d all be terrible schizophrenics 😉

seizures? hallucinations? ocular migraines?


Over the last 1-½ to 2 years I’ve gotten a tingling sensation on one side of my head. My mom used to have the same thing years ago before she started seizure medication, but I didn’t know she had it until about a year ago.

Other times (like this morning) I’ll get flashing lights (another seizure symptom) in the corner of my vision and a darkening of the objects in a room (kinda like there’s a cloud over people’s faces), especially if the room is dim. About 15 minutes later after the flashing lights have stopped, I get a headache and don’t feel good for the rest of the day. Sometimes I’ll have chills the rest of the day, which is another symptom my mom had.

But here’s the tricky part. Because of the paranoid schizophrenia, the strong family history of seizures on my mom’s side of the family, and the history of ocular migraines on my dad’s side, I have no idea which it could be.

Is it early/light seizures like my mom had for YEARS before she knew they were seizures? Is is ocular migraines like my dad gets more and more the older he gets? Or am I just hallucinating all of it or even having mild panic attacks that mimic those symptoms?

I’m not like freaking out over it or anything. It’s just one of those “bwuh?” things and I felt like sharing 😀

It’s happening again today. It’s now four months down the road since I posted that ^ and I still have no idea which it is.

Got the flashing lights earlier today, felt some tingling throughout the day, and tonight as I was watching TV and eating dinner, I got the darkening of objects/cloud over stuff.

I don’t have a headache tonight, but I’m really tired (which could be from a long day of work) and have chills even though it’s hot and humid here. The tingling is still happening randomly on the right side of my head, like something tickling just under the scalp.

None of it is that bad, none of it scares me or anything, it’s just odd. And I’d kinda like to know why it happens but not enough to go through the scanning and testing. It happens so infrequently it would probably be near impossible to record it anyway, which is why my mom wasn’t diagnosed for decades until it started happening so frequently they were able to catch it.

If it’s just hallucinations, that would be the best way to go. I don’t really have to do anything about it if that’s the case, and hallucinations aren’t really a big deal to me anyway 🙂

social anxiety

It has now been 18 days since I’ve done any gummies. I’m taking a hiatus from them because I need bloodwork done and my PDoc is fanatical about weed being a gateway drug to more serious drugs and that is CAUSES schizophrenia, so she doesn’t know I’m taking gummies and that they’re the reason why I’ve been doing so well for so long.

I’m kind of surprised by the results this time because last year when I went on hiatus for three weeks, I kinda didn’t realize these things because it was the first time I took a hiatus since starting the gummy treatment and there were a lot of stressful things going on at the time, so I attributed the issues I was having to stress.

Anyway, I’ve noticed that my social anxiety has gotten significantly worse, even after just 9 days (usually I take them once a week). I went to the grocery store by myself, as per usual, on that 9th day and had a really hard time with it. I almost left the stuff there and went home, but we didn’t need a lot, so I just powered through it and ignored the rushing in my ears and my heart beating fast and the sweating 😀

I’ve also noticed in the last few days that my tactile and olfactory hallucinations are worse than they’ve been in a long time. My auditory hallucinations recently got worse, but that fluctuates all the time anyway and might have nothing to do with the hiatus. My visual hallucinations have remained the same, which is to say very minimal.

The paranoia is also worse. I’ve worried over the last few days that the guys at the shop are plotting something, which is very odd for me, especially since starting the gummies. I usually have to be really bad for that to start.

I’ve also been spooked easily the last four or five days. Like tonight when I went out to take a swim in the dark. I heard some noises and instead of just brushing it off as an animal or bug, I got freaked out and hurried into the house. Once I got into the house I rolled my eyes because yeah, that was ridiculous.

I know the gummies “reset” my brain and schiz symptoms, but I didn’t realize they were having such an impact on these other things even throughout the week. I thought I was just tamping down the psychosis with the weekend gummy dosage, but apparently it’s doing a lot more. YAY 😀