i had such a bad anxiety attack today i put my body into shock



Haven’t had one that bad in a while.

My reaction to stress is to shut down. Got that from my mom’s side of the family. Scares the shit outta docs because we get super cold and our blood pressure and heart rate drops, so if we’re in an accident, they can’t give us pain meds and we shake real bad.

Anyway, I shut down, but was able to drive myself home. Once I got home, I was sweating really bad, which I thought was odd because usually I’m cold with anxiety attacks. So I stripped down to just this light long T-shirt, sat down, and worked on chilling out.

Half an hour later I got SO cold that I couldn’t get warm. I put on sweat pants, a sweater, two pairs of socks, a hoodie, and I got under my warmest blanket and cocooned myself in front of the TV.

My mom came in, saw me, and thought I was coming down with the flu or something, but when I explained I’d had an anxiety attack she was like oh that explains it.

It took me 3 hours to start warming up, shivering the whole time.

Like I say, I haven’t had one that bad in a long time :

Yesterday hit me a little harder than I thought. (Yes, I know I’m the dork who thought sending my body into shock was something I could just shake off)

I had a psych doc appointment this morning and Marissa covered the shop until I was done with the appointment. My psych doc stresses me out because she’s intense, so I was shaky again by the time I got to the shop.

Then I’m just sweating all day long. Like sweating so much Evan laughed at how red and wet my face was.

It wasn’t until 45 minutes before closing I realized Marissa had turned the heat up to 80 FUCKING DEGREES. But it wasn’t just today she did it.

Have you ever heard that thing about frogs? How if you put them in room temperature water, you can continue to turn up the heat slowly and they’ll literally sit there and let themselves be cooked? I’m a frog. If shit’s happening, I just ignore it and keep going, so I never thought to check the thermostats.

So for the last TWO WEEKS now I’ve been sweating like crazy all day at the shop (wondering how cold it needed to be outside for it to finally cool off inside) while the heater has been blasting at 80 degrees.

Don’t ask me why everyone at the shop whined when the air conditioner broke this summer and it got up to like 82 or something. Apparently when THEY want it to be 80 degrees, they’re fine with it while I foot the bill but heaven forbid it’s 82 degrees and they didn’t ask for it. And dorky me just figures I’m having hormone or anxiety issues and drenched in sweat all day.

So that pissed me off pretty bad and made me even more shaky. And with the whole anxiety attack yesterday, it kicked up my hallucinations, which are still worse than normal. It’s not bothering me. I just know that if I’m not careful, I’ll push myself into a flat out psychotic episode.

After I close the shop tomorrow, I’m going to take an extra large dose of gummies to see if I can fix my brain. I really don’t like taking gummies two days in a row because I’m wasted for 48 hours and I’ve got stuff to do, but I might have to in order to avoid a psychotic episode if the one night doesn’t do the trick (sometimes when I have an issue like extra stress or bad situations, one night isn’t enough).


awesome news!!

Last week I was freaking out because one of my biggest suppliers went out of business suddenly and I was stuck with figuring out what to do and QUICK because he already owed me a huge order and I was running out of the stuff, namely cartridges (the new thing tattoo artists use instead of separate needles and tubes), cleaning supplies, needles, and tubes.

I went to another one of my suppliers and bought their entire line of cartridges, which is a good thing because I’ve had a lot of artists request their cartridges, but I never took the plunge because it’s a pain in the ass and expensive, blah blah.

Okay so that fulfilled my need for high quality cartridges, but didn’t help me out with the rest of the stuff I used to get from this guy.

So yesterday I messaged my biggest competitor here in the state, asking him if he’d consider giving me a distributorship. He messaged me back almost immediately and said yes. I was blown away because I thought he wouldn’t want to work with me. I’m his competition. And also tattoo artists are very particular about who they let distribute their stuff.

Anyway I ordered the full line of his privately labeled cartridges (which a lot of people were requesting anyway) and told him I wanted to pick them up myself today to save on shipping costs. He said no problem, so I headed out there this afternoon with my mom (she’s always been curious about the place).

We get in there and the guy is super nice, obviously not a tattoo artist, but rather a guy with a business-like mind, like my family, and he was thrilled to have me as a distributor because he’s been hearing about us for years and wondered why I didn’t ask before now.

He said most of his business is done outside my state, and he doesn’t have anybody distributing his stuff inside the state except for his own shop out in the middle of nowhere in this business complex and nobody wants to drive all the way out there. He has way less walk-ins per day than I do.

So not only did he give me a really good deal on all the stuff I need to get started with him, he also gave me a ton of stickers, an official distributor banner I can hang in my shop, hats, and offered to make me stickers and hats and shirts and a banner for my own shop for MUCH cheaper than I’ve been finding around the city.

He also said to check out the rest of the stuff he sells because he’s sure that he can get me at least a few things cheaper than I’ve been getting them and there won’t be any shipping costs. He set up my account online so that I could order there with special prices.

So when I got home, I started checking out all the prices on products and HOLY SHIT this is totally awesome!! Not only does he have things I’ve been trying to get distributorships for (in the tattoo industry it’s super hard to get an in with people – just the Eternal Ink distributorship took two years of pestering the owner to get), but it’s even cheaper than I’d normally be able to get it because I can’t buy in near the volume he does because I’m not big enough outside the state yet. He sells all over the world in large volume, so he gets HUGE discounts.

Besides all that other stuff, he also wants to do cross-promotion! Which is totally awesome because he’s been in this industry for 13 years, has lots of connections, and cross-promotion will be huge for me! I’m so excited!!

Only downside to all this is I had to put out a shit-ton of money on two full lines of cartridges. Ouch!

doing a lot of damage control

I haven’t been around the last few days, and this would be why.

One of my distributors (the one I’m getting ALL my cartridges from) decided they were going to go out of business. That’s only 5 weeks after we called them, spoke to the owner on the phone for 45 minutes, and he reassured us he wasn’t going out of business and not to worry. Suddenly they’re gone and all the stuff I ordered isn’t coming and I’m scrambling trying to find a replacement product for something ALL my customers liked.

Cartridges are what the tattoo industry as a whole is switching to instead of needle/tube combos. So all my big-name customers and… well, pretty much everybody except for the scratchers (people who tattoo out of their homes and have little to no skills) have switched over to cartridges. I was already running low on supplies (including the cartridges) and was waiting for a shipment that’s never going to come. They also got me an AWESOME price on cleaning supplies, ink, and other stuff.

Any company I go to in finding a replacement for the cartridges is going to want me to plunk down anywhere from
$5000-$25,000 just to get started with them. If I don’t do it, I’m going
to go out of business myself.

Money is VERY tight right now because we had to put a new roof on one of the rentals my uncle owns (do you have any idea how much a new roof costs?!). He owns several houses, and renting them out is how he used to make his living, but for the last few years the houses cost more to maintain (mortgage + repairs) than he gets in rent checks, but he fights me on selling them off. He’s not a slumlord. In fact, his tenants love him because he lets them send in payments late, fixes their stuff IMMEDIATELY even in the middle of the night, and just gives them stuff because he’s an idiot. Like we’re made of money or something.

My uncle got sued and lost on a case where this guy who illegally represented himself as licensed and bonded (he wasn’t) ruined my uncle’s back yard and the city is actually getting involved. In order for the back yard to get fixed enough that the city gets off our backs, it’ll be at least $11,000 and probably more. As it is now, it keeps flooding and backing up into the loading dock area of a Frys grocery store behind him. The judge sided with the unlicensed asshole because technically the guy did the work, and the judge doesn’t care that the work was done AFTER we told him to stop because we realized how much he was fucking up the yard, but the guy waited until my uncle was gone for the day and broke into the backyard, finished up, and sent us the bill.

It’s been slow at the shop recently for some reason, and that always freaks me out because I worry there’s a rumor being spread about us or our customers have decided ordering online is easier or whatever. That means I have less income at the moment. November isn’t usually a slow month. Oh, and of course the guys have to freak out about it too, so I’m dealing with their drama queen stuff and trying to keep them calm and productive.

Andre is continuing his issues at school with not doing work or doing it and not turning it in. School started how long ago? And he was already failing this grade as of three weeks ago. To get him back on track, my mom is spending several hours a day working with him, which is exhausting her and causing more seizure issues. And of course Andre is fighting her every step of the way.

My dad’s sister was diagnosed with breast cancer, and to get better treatment, she needs to move. She wanted to move anyway, but this just makes it urgent. So my dad is going to drive to where she lives, pack her up, and move her and her daughter. My dad is 74 years old, has busted legs and heart issues, and he also brings money into the house, which means not only is he going to wear himself out helping a woman who has never done a damn thing for him or even bothered to ever call to ask how he’s doing even when he had his accident a few years ago, he’s also not going to be making any money during the move time. There’s a good chance she won’t even be grateful he’s doing it and she’ll belittle him and harass him the whole time.

Last but not least, my dog’s dead. Still. And all three of us (me, mom, dad) are
STILL having a hard time with this and we’re fighting the urge to run
out and get a new dog. I didn’t think we’d have a really hard time with
this, but damn all three of us are depressed over it!

I know people are waiting for the changes and announcements and such for @spncoldesthits, and I *will* get around to it. It’s just going to take a little time. Sorry guys!

yes i’m hiding

cut for length

Friday morning I started having depression issues. I thought maybe it would get better with the whole gummy thing on Saturday night, but it only paused it for 24 hours.

They don’t normally do anything for my depression (schizophrenia doesn’t automatically include depression), but I thought maybe my psychosis was getting ready to flare and was causing some anxiety and depression, but since they didn’t work on the depression, I’m assuming I’m just in a shitty depression thing.

I’m being super emotional, which is really hard for me because I’m not normally a very emotional person – like tearing up at EVERYTHING. Music, of course, usually makes me emotional, but I’m talking TV commercials, stupid memes, etc.

I can’t find a reason for it, so I can’t do anything about it other than ride it out. And of course I always freak out wondering if this is my new “normal.”

As I’m writing this, things keep popping into my head. So I suppose I should’ve written it out sooner.

My dog isn’t doing well. I mean she’s been weird for like 3 years now. Dementia kind of a thing. She’s still in great shape physically (especially for a 16-year-old dog), but in the last six months it doesn’t even seem like she enjoys anything anymore and she’s doing things she’s never done before, like shitting in the house. A lot. So I’m thinking it’s time to put her down, but I hate when there’s not anything super wrong with a dog, ya know? Like am I just slightly inconvenienced by her, so I wanna get rid of her?! Is she just going through a rough patch? She’s a spoiled little thing with an attitude, so maybe she’s just acting out for a while and will stop soon? But yeah, this sucks.

And the other day Saul told me he’s thinking of moving out of state. He’s the only artist I requested be at my shop when we opened it, he’s done A LOT of my tattoos, and he’s always given me REALLY great advice for the shop – every piece of advice he’s given was right. He’s been in the business for 25+ years, so he knows what he’s talking about, and he’s the one that encouraged us to stop using managers because “you guys can do this on your own and better than they can!” Also I’m really close to him and I’m going to miss him a lot.

I’ve also been doing this thing for a few months now where I’m trying to “fix” my lack of empathy (I’ve got some compassion, but empathy never worked for me). I’m using a technique I kinda cobbled together from various papers on psychology and serial killers and psychopaths and sociopaths. I’ve written a long post about it and mentioned the post it to @buckybee because it’s interesting, but I’ve been hesitant to post it because… well, it makes me sound like a monster. But what’s new, eh? There’s plenty of things I see every day that point out how not!human I am.

Anyway, the results of this new technique I’m using means I’m either faking empathy enough to think it’s real or I’m actually developing empathy, and it fucking sucks and I wish I hadn’t done it because HOLY FUCK THIS HURTS! I dunno how you people stand it. And now that I’ve done it, I can’t seem to make it stop! Do you have any idea what it’s like developing empathy after never having it before?!

So yeah I guess I’ve got some reasons to be depressed. But there’s good stuff too. New guy at the shop is working out great and he’s a really good artist. My mom’s seizures are doing AWESOME with the second med they added a few weeks ago. The shop is doing great! I’m getting things organized at home and at the shop like never before. Lots of cool stuff.

But I just want to faceplant on my bed and stare at the wall. And I’m hiding 😛

winjennster: mittensmorgul: postmodernmulticoloredcloak: time-for-maps: this changes everything oh my god do you understand why it trips me out that people can drive 45 minutes and be in aNOTHER COUNTRY? I drive for 45 minutes and im like a city over  I live in “Italy” and took a day trip to go to “Austria” and “Germany” …